COUCOU

DARK TO LIGHT

I am the woman you hear about, the one who had been afflicted with the blues after baby. I was the woman you may take pity on. The woman who quit their job because she could no longer think and focus in a linear coherent fashion. A faker perhaps, a bitch, a liar, fat, terrible mom, good for nothing, no talent nor purpose waste of a human. Make no mistake, I am not nor ever was that woman. I may have been broken but no one ever saw me that way.. only myself.

I had been told I was selfish, that my “choices” to be sick were fake and childish as I wasn’t thinking about others. Those words broke me, or at least that’s what I thought. I have learned those words were just the last straw my mind could take after thirty years of put downs. Those words would also reflect the sick way of thinking that had become me.

I strongly believe my girls came here to stir things up. I would have continued life people pleasing, pushing myself to the edge, caring so deeply about how I was perceived to the outside world. I took it upon myself to seek out those in need and literally sucked out their bad unwanted emotions and carried it proudly for them. My brain broke, cracked open, and started to come undone. I was lucky to be gifted with postpartum, it forced me to slow down and seek help. I don’t know where I would be if it weren’t for them, if I’d be here at all; but I’m glad I am now.

At times, it has been dark, quite literally as my memories of that time come to me in dark hues of grey. It’s as if I am standing in an old train tunnel, with only blackness around me and I can only see what’s in front of me. That’s how my thinking became as well, I could only think of one thing at a time. I couldn’t think about anyone else other than myself and my girls my brain had reached its capacity. Luckily, I wasn’t ever consumed with thoughts of hurting my children, that is real and I can only imagine how scary that would be. I was fortunate to be overcome with self hate, suicidal fantasies, and loathing; the only way out was to let out all the negative beliefs, thoughts and wounds that were controlling my mind.

Through the continuation of hard work, hard truths, unlearning and relearning ways of thinking; I am happy. I will never be healed because I am human, I will make mistakes, but I have the ability to control myself, my thoughts and actions. I fought for so long to be seen and loved thinking the coping strategies developed from my childhood were actually working in my adult life. Behaviors of control, not outwardly so, but at its core that’s exactly what they were. A postpartum depression, childhood trauma, adjustment disorder, ADHD, bulimic, scapegoat, codependent young woman, a mom, a wife, a sister, and a friend. A friend who needed a village to help her out of the trenches.

We were never meant to do this alone, so I am on a mission to pay it forward. Offer what I can to lifes most beautiful creatures- women. Being a mother is fucking hard, and it’s beautiful. A Dialect- two truths in opposition existing at the same time. That’s exactly what being a woman is like. Being pulled in opposing directions, but when we learn to let those truths just be, they stop stretching you thin and build you up stronger. Sometimes we just need a little help to point us in the right direction, we need the proper tools to tackle life’s hurdles, and we need support from those who have walked this path before.

Woman are so powerful, and the power I have seen in their innate ability to know and act instinctively by pure intuition is a god damn superpower. Our bodies know exactly what we need, it’s our brains that need to catch up and learn to listen, learn to trust, and learn to let go. We are the change the world needs. I strongly believe that if we focus on mothers, their mental health and their wellbeing, we are setting the future up for a well adjusted and regulated life.